Judgments

Life is full of decisions we have to make every day, for ourselves, for our children, for our families, friends, neighbors, and coworkers. I've watched this process for as far back as I can remember. I've participated in it (I do have three children) but I have never felt the need to judge a person on their past or current actions, not even my children. Judgments are very different things than decisions. It's not my place to tell anyone what to do with the bigger things of life. I share my opinions, advise when asked, give input, and offer a helping hand if needed, but it is ultimately always the other person's choice whether to take any of it or not.  And I never think any better or worse of anyone for it even if that part is sometimes misunderstood.

I've heard people tell a married person they needed to dump their spouse simply because they didn't like the spouse or their behavior (judging the spouse as unworthy). I've heard people criticize someone for being friends with someone only because they didn't like that someone (judging the someone as unworthy).  I've seen people believe that because they don't get along with a person (they don't like how the other acts, takes care of their yard, their pets), no one else they know should either (judging that person as unworthy). I've seen people spout nasty things about others in an attempt to turn others away from the person they have an issue with (judging that person as needing punished for not doing what the other wanted, or thinks should be done). I've seen others claim someone a slob, lazy, or mean because that's what they saw (judging the someone as being lesser than them). And I wonder, do they ever once stop and look in the mirror?

The Mirror:

It's a hard thing to do, to look in the mirror and see ourselves not for the image we have built up in our minds of ourselves, but for the person we really are and ask why we make the judgments we do. What gives us the right to tell someone else whom to marry (or dump), how to take care of a pet, or raise their children, or even how often they should dust their house. What makes our way any better than the other person's way? (Barring behavior that is downright abusive or dangerous, of course.) It's normal to have thoughts, to think: "that's not good, they're going to regret that one" and the like, but it's not good to condemn someone.

None of us truly know the path any other person is walking. We don't know their burdens, haunts, fears, pains, dreams or desires, and we can't ever truly know all of them. So why do so many so often feel the need to judge others and demand they be and do things just like them?

The Hard Questions:

Before we judge a person or situation, maybe we should stop and think and ask ourselves why.

Do we feel older and wiser than the person we're judging? Maybe so, but maybe it's better to let the other learn on their own after a drop of advice if it's asked for.

Do we just not like it because it's something we wouldn't do? If that's the case, drop it. Just because it's different doesn't mean it's better or worse.

Do we feel we know what's proper and have a right to demand others see and do it the same way? That needs to be explored more deeply, because I can't help think: what makes someone's idea of proper more proper than another's?

Do we feel what they do hurts us or others directly (like someone not doing their work and dumping it on you)? Then we need to communicate with the other, ask for changes that are needed, and if that still doesn't work, deal with it gently however needed. Attack the behavior, not the person. And be sure attacking the behavior isn't just because it bothers you because you don't like it. Make sure the reason is real and valid.

Respect

Maybe, just maybe, we need to learn to respect each other's differences when the differences do not threaten life and limb. You don't have to like how they do something or even what they do unless it directly affects you (and sometimes not even then). It's not our business to judge and tell anyone else to be different just for the sake of being more like us or doing things the way we believe they should be done.  It's not our business to say things about another (unless we are warning of potentially harmful things like someone we know beyond doubt is tangled up with something as damaging and dangerous as some terrible illegal acts) just because we don't agree with how they do something. You think someone lazy? How do you know what they are dealing with on the inside or what they do when you aren't watching them?

Dangerous Things

Judgments are dangerous things, and we need to be very careful with them. Misuse them and you could damage another life. Friendships are shattered, marriages, relationships of all kinds. We are allowed to have differences, disagreements, and even ask for changes if things another does affects us directly, but do we have the right to judge another's worth or how they do things that don't affect us at all, beyond irritating our beliefs on how it should be done. Even if you feel the need to do such a hurtful act, maybe it should be a need that is restrained. Too many people fail to reach their full potential because someone in their life tore them down instead of lifting them up. Too many people give up on life because they can't live up to the expectations they are told to live up to. Too many are feeling lost and alone. Too many feel worthless.

Maybe, just maybe, we need to learn to accept others instead of judging them, love them, instead of trying to control them, and only act on judgments about ourselves. Because we, personally, are the one person we know inside and out and have a right to tell to be different. And the hardest question of all: do you love and accept yourself. Because sometimes our own judgments against our own selves are the most dangerous and damaging things of all.